I have a rule about tattoos: I would have to want to see whatever I’ve tattooed on me in the morning for the rest of my life and always be happy with it.

As a result, the only tattoo I would be happy with would be The Last Supper or dogs playing poker — because I’m classy like that.

Tats you can’t see don’t count, because really, there’s not much difference between that and a kick me sign. The ones you get in prison don’t count either, because it’s all about survival in the big house — survival and hepatitis. As opposed to ink on the outside being about bad choices and hepatitis.

When women come to me, seeking my wisdom as someone whose great-grandfather came from Japan to translate Chinese tattoos they just got (because if you’re Asian, you come out the womb as a fortune cookie writing black belt ninja who can read anything in Japanese/Chinese), I usually tell them, “Whoa. He tattooed that?” Then I walk away.

Yeah I’m a dick, but it’s not like the girl would have gone out with me.

Anyway, turns out the Chinese are getting English words they don’t understand tattooed on their bodies. Right now it’s Judeo-Christian nonsense (but really, isn’t it all nonsense?) for the most part like “Jesus,” “Church,” “PrayGod,” or “SaintSinner.”

It’s only a matter of time when some Chinese girl wants a “Hottie” tramp stamp in English and gets a “Deliveries in Rear” tat instead.

English Tattoos: Chinglish 4 Life

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