Like every language, there’s the formal stuff you learn in class, which inevitably leads most people to remembering phrases they’ll never use like “Please pass the butter” and “There’s a fork in my head.”

But let’s say you’re into Japanese women. Well, my friend, then you have a whole new language to learn, literally and figuratively. It goes both ways — you think some nihon-jin would know what the hell a Cleveland Steamer or Dirty Sanchez is? There you go.

For example: jidroi literally means “local chicken.” But it now means taking an image of yourself with a cameraphone or digital camera. Or Sekuusu meaning, well, sex.

Lexicon guide for browsing a Japanese adult site

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away — something we like to call the 1980s — Star Wars didn’t suck because there was no Jar Jar back then, email was something only academics and the military had heard of and porn magazines ruled the world.

Don’t know what a porn magazine is? You damn kids. It’s what we stole and hid in our sock drawers. See, back in my day, we didn’t have the INTERNET and we couldn’t just type boobies in the Googles to see tits. We had to get our porn the old fashioned way — shoplifting.

Apparently, magazines in the Philippines are going strong with the regional Playboy edition going strong and celebrating its first year of printing. A real porn magazine, Playboy doing well — it really is like 1980!

Now if you don’t mind, I have to go because Matlock is on and I have to yell at some kids to get off my lawn.

In Third World Media’s worldwide quest for the hottest talent, we have been to many exotic places and have seen many pretty faces. Some of these beautiful faces are connected to bodies with little to no boobage, other than two tiny bumps in the middle of their chest. Many of these girls live in countries with very large mosquito populations; or “Skeeters” as some of the locals refer to them. These flat chested cuties may not have any cleavage but do show signs of having two Skeeter Bites on the middle of their chests.

Kaho Noguchi is a baby faced J-chick, with two of the freshest bites around. Her pussy is also very neatly shaved; somewhat rare for a young J-chick like herself. She loves getting guys to cum on her flat chest, perhaps hoping them to grow a bit more.

Marcella is a pretty Latina lady with long dark hair, shaved fuck hole and a thick booty. What she doesn’t have is any tits, but that hardly matters a bit, as her mouth, pussy and asshole handle a giant cock pounding and an anal creampie as well.

Ice is a dark-skinned, lovely Thai girl with long hair, pretty face and tiny raisin tipped nipples for boobs. She is small and tiny as a big white guy tears into her mouth and tiny fuck box. They bareback their way to a large cumload on her lovely young face.

Preta has perfect tan-lines and a very exotic look about her. She comes from a country where mosquitoes and the dengue virus are prominent. But lucky for us, she got two perfectly shaped tiny tater tots on her chest; that go along nicely with her Brazilian wax job and ultra fat ass. She likes her meat well done and has a big brotha rip through her front and back doors, on his way to depositing a big wad on her cock hungry, slut face.

Meow is the skinniest and flattest chick we have ever found in Thailand. She has a baby face and a tiny frame; weighing in at under 90 pounds. This doesn’t stop big foreign men from wanting to split this little bitch in half. Her nipples are perky, like 2 freshly swollen skeeter bites. Her hairless hole sucks up cock as her nipples point to the sky and she takes a massive load sprayed all over her face, eyes and tiny little titties.

Ellen is blonde and both beautiful and boobless. The tiny growths on the middle of her chest are likely the result of a mad Brazilian mosquito. She loves to fuck a lot and never uses a rubber, as new guys she meets squeeze her swollen nipple tips and fuck her every hole, before feeding her face-fulls of thick cum.

Azumi Aoi has a thick ass and a hairy J-bush. What she is missing is any hint of tits. What she enjoys is bareback sex with strangers who cum on her hairy fuck box and leave a little to deposit inside her pretty Japanese cherry blossom.

Airi is a cute J-chick who is hungry for cock and isn’t ashamed to admit it. She strips nude in front of a train and isn’t shy a bit about showing us the tiny brown bug bites on her chest, They serve as a great place to offload lots of cum onto.

So your girlfriend’s into Hello, Kitty, which is about as amazing and unique as, say, porn on the Internet.

But she if she brings this little number home than you might has well put your balls in the purse you’re holding for her while she’s shopping.

Really, is there anything more to say after something like this?

Oh yeah: The horror. The horror.

Wednesday Morning Nerdy Sexiness

Trombone-playing J-pop trio Futomomo Satisfaction raise the awareness of brass instruments using one of the most powerful inventions of man: the bikini. See, you’re paying attention to trombone players from Japan now, aren’t you? Hell, you’re probably even interested.

Their repertoire includes traditional J-Pop melodies, with trombones, to Dick Dale’s Misirlou (aka “The Pulp Fiction Theme Song”), with trombones. Did I mention they wear bikinis? Yeah, bikinis.

Futomomo Satisfaction most recently played at SXSW — apparently, the appeal of trombones and bikinis are not lost on the hipsters at the music show/web marketing conference/whatever the hell it actually is either. But mostly, I’d imagine, the appeal is in bikinis.

Futomomo Satisfaction, bikini clad trombonists from Japan

In the same way the American porn scene is a shadow to the mainstream entertainment industry when it comes to ideas (see: Columbia Pictures’ “The Da Vinci Code” and Hustler Video’s “The Da Vinci Load”), so goes the Japanese animation industry.

Much of the output of illustrated purple-haired hotties, tentacle sex and outrageously-sized bazooms is related to the more acceptable and popular cartoons revolving around giant robots, schoolgirls with magic powers and angst-y teens. Whether it’s Dōjinshi that’s based on mainstream series or pros who pen the X-rated stuff on the side, porn-related anime is joined at the hip with its more acceptable counterparts.

With the rise of anime in popular culture, one would expect all fortunes are rising. However, AltJapan reports that this is not the case. About a quarter of the anime industry works significantly below the poverty line, it’s spread increasingly thin and studios are often losing money.

Scary stuff, and hopefully something the anime industry can turn around.

State of the Anime Industry 2009

Like Pocari Sweat and Pocky, the Japanese are in love with words that sound like English, but isn’t. In this case, it’s Please Muscat, a variety show that once again proves that there isn’t much you can do to shock a culture that brought us animated tentacle sex and used panty vending machines.

See, while America as a nation is about as comfortable about sex as a Wall Street CEO at a congressional hearing, the Japanese have AV idols like Maria Ozawa, Sora Aoi and Asami Yumo on a national TV program singing pop tunes and doing comedy skits. All of it, so far as I can tell, with their clothes on.

You want to talk about porn going mainstream? There you go.

Considering that we live in a county where religious nutjobs are so obsessed with sex that they’ll make claims like anal sex maintains virginity, the acceptance of X-rated entertainment in Japan — even with its own regimentation and societal hang ups — is refreshing.

JAV stars Maria Ozawa and Sora Aoi host Osaka TV Variety show

The cute anime girl you see above isn’t a new fan service character from Adult Swim’s next late night acquisition — she’s a logo for rice domestically grown in Japan.

As anyone who’s had any sort of contact with Japanese food knows, sticky rice is to Far East cuisine what deep frying is to English food. Eating anything without the stuff would be un-Japanese, or so says my grandmother.

The best rice, apparently, comes from the Niigata prefecture, and restaurants make a point to mention that what they serve comes from the area. Blogger, man about Japan and J-List.com owner Peter Payne points out that the latest fad among rice manufacturers is to print cute anime girls — like the one above — to boost sales.

Proof that T and A goes with anything, even rice.

Like Super Mario Brothers? Who doesn’t. Like things that vibrate? Well, I’m sure there’s more than one woman out there who’s willing to fess up to owning a “back massager” or two.

Put them together, and you have something that could only come from Japan — a plush vibrating mushroom. Insert your kinky sex fantasy that could only happen in Japan with furry oscillating fungi here, because I know you were thinking about it. (I wasn’t. Really!)

Without any touch of humor, the item is called the Mushroom Club vibrating pillow. Tripping out isn’t a requirement for this club, but relaxation is.

Vibrating Mushroom Cushion makes you kimochii

Translated literally, the Japanese word hote-toru translates to hotel turkey, with the words borrowing from their phonetic English equivalents. While images of turkeys being led to rooms by bellboys comes to mind, the reality is anything but.

Lost in translation is the concept of the Japanese love hotel, where men and women go to have sex, and turkish baths, where people in general go to have sex.

In this case, it’s Japanese tabloids reporting that foreign ladies are stopping into Japan for short visits, expressly for the purpose of working in the country’s brothels and bath houses (the toru and the hote of the word). It’s a far cry from turkeys getting room service, and in the case of a blog about sex in Asia, much more interesting.

Tora! Tora! Tora! attack at the Taito hote-toru