Mark Twain once said it’s a tragedy if a sex scandal happens to me, and Wednesday if it happens to a politician. Or something like that.

Former secretary of state Henry Kissinger also said that hot chicks will totally sleep with older guys because they like it. Or something like that.

Proving both points is this girl, who looks like she’s posing for a Myspace photo, Lu Jiali. Never heard of her? Neither have I — proving once again that you’re nobody unless you’re famous in the US, even when it comes to sex scandals.

Allegedly, Ms. Lu was improperly involved with the former director of Shanghai’s social security administration. She either bribed officials directly with sex or organized sexual bribery — allegedly. She also has a thing for adult industry bloggers who specialize in Asian porn. Allegedly.

Other players in Shanghai’s privileged class rumored to have been open to a little Lu Jiali sugar are the director of its nuclear power company, the head of a major investment company, the electric company chairman, communist party officials and… the state statistics bureau director.

Yeah, I’m as lost about the the state statistics bureau director as you are. Or maybe that was just a “pity bribe.”

She’s also reported to have fled the country in 2006. Which is smart, seeing as how the Chinese government has the sort of sense of humor that sends a bill to the parents of an executed convict for the bullets used in the firing squad. Fun guys, really.

But these high muckety-mucks needn’t worry about public outrage over their (alleged) hot chick banging — a poll found 55 percent of Chinese would break the law for Ms. Lu if they were in the government and said “Hell, have you looked at this girl? Wouldn’t you?”

55% of Netizens would break the law for Lu Jiali

Photo of Shanghai Professional Sex Briber Lu Jia-li

An unnamed 25 year old pregnant Japanese AV actress reportedly died after completing a sex scene.

Her cause of death was attributed to a “pulmonary-respiratory failure,” though a brain hemorrhage is suspected.

AV directors told Japanese tabloids that pregnant women who are working in front of the camera are not forced to preform any intense activity or abnormal positions. Most of the sex is in spoon or doggie positions.

However, Japanese fans of pregnant porn have been demanding women that are in their eighth or ninth month. Pregnant performers can fetch about 300,000 yen or about $3,725.

The wages of sin: expectant AV performer meets a tragic end

The original Hello Kitty Vibrator was the stuff of legend and myth not unlike The One Ring or that one guy in college who totally got straight A’s because his roommate committed suicide.

Now generally, when I think of stuff I’d like to get from Japan, it’s usually die-cast Macross Valkyries, exotic electronics from Akihabara, or maybe even some used panties from a vending machine. (Not to wear. To smell. What do you think I am, some kind of pervert?)

But never anything from the Cat with No Mouth — I am a dude, after all. Not even if it’s an Airsoft replica of a fine German assault rifle like a Heckler & Koch HK416 covered in its saccharine cute pink branding. Yes, that is a real photo.

However, this being an Asian sex and sex-related blog, the Hello Kitty Vibrator is news. If there’s a new Hello Kitty vibrator — or a “shoulder massager,” as it’s euphemistically called — it’s even bigger news.

So, here it is from J-List: the soon-to-be-precious for every female porn star in the San Fernando Valley who has a Hello Kitty tattoo — and there’s more than a few of them — or women who just need a “shoulder massage.”

It comes in mandarin, blue, yellow, red, green and of course, pink. It also comes features rabbit ears for those, uh, hard to reach places.

It will also make the sight of a woman pleasuring herself too cute for any man to watch. You have been warned.