The Onion, purveyors of news that’s better than the real news, reports that Japan is looking to reduce its output of X-rated titles and expressed regret over “the thousands of hours of bondage porn, rape porn, utensil-rape porn, food-rape porn, frozen-food-rape porn, vomit-enema porn, elder-care-coma-patient-rape porn, and the kind of a porn in which a nubile youth is kidnapped, stripped, tied down in a wading pool and raped.”

As anyone who’s ever seen Japanese porn knows, the weird stuff makes up about 98.5 percent of the country’s output. Scripted genre features shot in slow-motion with gauzy filters featuring sex between giant transformable robots (aka contract stars) make up the other 1.5 percent, and is considered too tame for the tastes of most Japanese fans.

According to the article:

The proposed new measures include a 50 percent reduction in live-eel anal insertions, and a requirement that portrayals of group sex involving seven or more individuals feature at least four human participants. Also under consideration is a zero-tolerance policy covering all “prurient uses” of colostomy bags.

The Rapeman could not be reached for comment.

Japan Pledges To Halt Production Of Weirdo Porn That Makes People Puke