The Onion, purveyors of news that’s better than the real news, reports that Japan is looking to reduce its output of X-rated titles and expressed regret over “the thousands of hours of bondage porn, rape porn, utensil-rape porn, food-rape porn, frozen-food-rape porn, vomit-enema porn, elder-care-coma-patient-rape porn, and the kind of a porn in which a nubile youth is kidnapped, stripped, tied down in a wading pool and raped.”
As anyone who’s ever seen Japanese porn knows, the weird stuff makes up about 98.5 percent of the country’s output. Scripted genre features shot in slow-motion with gauzy filters featuring sex between giant transformable robots (aka contract stars) make up the other 1.5 percent, and is considered too tame for the tastes of most Japanese fans.
According to the article:
The proposed new measures include a 50 percent reduction in live-eel anal insertions, and a requirement that portrayals of group sex involving seven or more individuals feature at least four human participants. Also under consideration is a zero-tolerance policy covering all “prurient uses” of colostomy bags.
Here’s something you probably didn’t know about Japan — besides cars, TVs and cartoons of tentacle sex, they’re also edging out American companies in masturbatory aids.
Onani holes, and if you’ve read this far you probably have a good idea of what this is and where it’s going, are a class of products for guys who prefer to fly solo. Tenga, a Japanese sex toy manufacturer, proved its technical prowess by developing a “hole warmer” to heat the toys, because nothing’s more undignified than putting your wang into a cold, artificial pussy.
The device won the praise of an unmarried office worker (no joke needed here), who said “I’ll lubricate mine with heated lotion and ohhhh, it’s just like a meiki. Definitely feels better than a hooker’s at some sex shop.”
With all the kids talking about Japanese senior citizen porn, the country seems to be a great place to be old and horny in general.
See, that’s what happens in a country where they respect their elders.
Additional case in point: the elderly-friendly Pink House, a hot springs massage parlor/bathhouse that advertises its non-slip shower chairs found in nursing homes. In case you were wondering if something got lost in translation, “massage parlor” means the same thing it does here — wink.
But rather than an instrument to remind Grandpa of the inevitable betrayal of the flesh and that death’s sweet release is around the corner, the chair helps him get his groove on. It’s constructed to allow easy access to his elderly man-parts and built to take the weight of an old man and a hot young girl doing the things old men and hot young girls do — when there’s money involved.
When strange meets technology, it’ll inevitably be someplace in Japan. Cases in point — porn-dispensing vending machines, tentacle sex robots and breast augmentation through sound waves.
While on par with the F-Cup Cookie as far as its believability, bigger boobies through sound has, at least, an expert behind it. Hideto Tomabechi believes that sounds can affect mental and emotional changes in a person. While it seems like a crock, he was recruited by the Japanese police to deprogram members of the Aum Shunrikyo cult after their nerve gas attack in 1995 using his research.
From that experience, he made the logical connection that if sound can beat the crazy out of someone, maybe it could beat a cup size or two out of breasts with a ringtone. Really, that’s how science works — I should know, I took a class through ITT about it.
Tomabechi-san could on to something: in the YouTube clip above, a woman claims to gain three centimeters on her breasts because of the ringtone, dubbed “Rock Melon.”
If the claims stand up to scrutiny, Hideto Tomabechi may very well be the first, and only, Nobel Prize winner of Awesome.
Economic conditions in Japan have worsened in recent years, leading
once reputable businesses down dark and evil pathways. One industry
particularly affected by the recession, is the massage business. This
once booming Japanese enterprise had a reputation for honest doctors
and hard working practitioners who earned their clients trust through
their hard training and massage expertise. Nowadays, however, the
doctor-patient relationship is in jeopardy as hidden cameras have made
their way into examination rooms and unsuspecting women wind up
getting a little more than your average 45 minute full body massage.
Miki is an average J-chick with a couple of extra pounds on her
bones. She works hard and needs a massage every now and then to keep
her body in check. Little does she know that her new doctor has all
the tools he needs to record her getting massaged and fucked, but very
little in the way of any true massage credentials. Hidden cameras
throughout the room record her getting barebacked and a lod of cum on
her chest.
Lori is a young and very cute school girl who is not feeling well.
She sees her doctor with the hope of some quick recovery. Little does
she know that the docs office has been wired up with the latest in
Japanese technology. The doctor gets Iori feeling much better very
quick, as he warms her up, strips her down and prescribes a cream pie
to help this young sexy, gullible teenager.
Yuri is a student with lots of stress from her exams. She needs a
massage to relieve the tension and she makes her way to our hi-tech
doctor’s office. He works his magic- quick- stripping her down,
massaging her breasts and working over her slightly pudgy physique.
He positions her right where the cameras can catch the action. He
uses the big vibe on her and progresses into a 3 way with her and 1
more doctor from the clinic. After sucking down one of the doctor’s
potent loads, the other hops on her and fucks her hairy hole till he
orgasms on her chubby belly.
Hitomi is a full figured J-girl with some lower back pain. Dr. Tanaka
is on the case and ready to provide some urgent care. He starts by
chowing down on her fuzzy slush box and making her stretch her back by
sucking his cock. He positions her on all fours and crams her hole
bareback. She feels much better now with some prescription pain
killer sprayed across her entire body.
The Japanese are very technologically advanced people. They are also amongst the biggest perverts in the world too. The combination makes for some trouble as the latest and hottest trend across Japan is using fixed hidden cameras to capture action in a variety of settings.
Fixed hidden cameras from the sides, top and around the room catch all the action!!!!
“Hidden Camera Massage Scam” will be available on March 2.
A contest pitting five mistresses against each other ended with one dead and five others, including the married man who organized the contest, injured.
A Shanghai businessman, identified only by the family name of Fan, made his kept women square off in a talent show judged by an instructor from a modeling agency in December. The ladies were judged on beauty, singing ability and how much liquor they could drink. The winner of the contest would continue to be with Fan and receive a rent-free apartment and a monthly allowance of $730.
The downturn in the economy was cited as the reason for the downsizing of his extramarital activities.
The first woman eliminated from the contest, a 29 year old identified only as Yu, was cut because of her looks. She invited the others on a sightseeing tour before the left the competition.
During the trip, Yu drove her car with Fan and the four other contestants off a cliff. The crash killed Yu and injured the other occupants.
Fan paid Yu’s parents about $85,000 and shuttered his business.
I’ve seen this item floating around on the web in the past, but it doesn’t make it any less amusing.
Crafty robots, you see, are taking the tentative first steps toward becoming our masters by infiltrating our society, Cylon-like, with something that humans have no defense against — beer.
Would anyone say no to a frothy libation, even if it wasn’t from a marvel of engineering? My answer is the same as what Homer Simpson once said about beer: “Expand my mind, learning juice!”
A Japanese robot programmed to pour perfectly — seriously, all they need to do now is figure out how to make the robot look like a woman with working lady parts and human procreation as we know it will grind to a halt.
However, I for one welcome our beer serving, female naughty bits-having mechanical overlords.
Mark Twain once said it’s a tragedy if a sex scandal happens to me, and Wednesday if it happens to a politician. Or something like that.
Former secretary of state Henry Kissinger also said that hot chicks will totally sleep with older guys because they like it. Or something like that.
Proving both points is this girl, who looks like she’s posing for a Myspace photo, Lu Jiali. Never heard of her? Neither have I — proving once again that you’re nobody unless you’re famous in the US, even when it comes to sex scandals.
Allegedly, Ms. Lu was improperly involved with the former director of Shanghai’s social security administration. She either bribed officials directly with sex or organized sexual bribery — allegedly. She also has a thing for adult industry bloggers who specialize in Asian porn. Allegedly.
Other players in Shanghai’s privileged class rumored to have been open to a little Lu Jiali sugar are the director of its nuclear power company, the head of a major investment company, the electric company chairman, communist party officials and… the state statistics bureau director.
Yeah, I’m as lost about the the state statistics bureau director as you are. Or maybe that was just a “pity bribe.”
She’s also reported to have fled the country in 2006. Which is smart, seeing as how the Chinese government has the sort of sense of humor that sends a bill to the parents of an executed convict for the bullets used in the firing squad. Fun guys, really.
But these high muckety-mucks needn’t worry about public outrage over their (alleged) hot chick banging — a poll found 55 percent of Chinese would break the law for Ms. Lu if they were in the government and said “Hell, have you looked at this girl? Wouldn’t you?”
An unnamed 25 year old pregnant Japanese AV actress reportedly died after completing a sex scene.
Her cause of death was attributed to a “pulmonary-respiratory failure,” though a brain hemorrhage is suspected.
AV directors told Japanese tabloids that pregnant women who are working in front of the camera are not forced to preform any intense activity or abnormal positions. Most of the sex is in spoon or doggie positions.
However, Japanese fans of pregnant porn have been demanding women that are in their eighth or ninth month. Pregnant performers can fetch about 300,000 yen or about $3,725.
The original Hello Kitty Vibrator was the stuff of legend and myth not unlike The One Ring or that one guy in college who totally got straight A’s because his roommate committed suicide.
Now generally, when I think of stuff I’d like to get from Japan, it’s usually die-cast Macross Valkyries, exotic electronics from Akihabara, or maybe even some used panties from a vending machine. (Not to wear. To smell. What do you think I am, some kind of pervert?)
But never anything from the Cat with No Mouth — I am a dude, after all. Not even if it’s an Airsoft replica of a fine German assault rifle like a Heckler & Koch HK416 covered in its saccharine cute pink branding. Yes, that is a real photo.
However, this being an Asian sex and sex-related blog, the Hello Kitty Vibrator is news. If there’s a new Hello Kitty vibrator — or a “shoulder massager,” as it’s euphemistically called — it’s even bigger news.
So, here it is from J-List: the soon-to-be-precious for every female porn star in the San Fernando Valley who has a Hello Kitty tattoo — and there’s more than a few of them — or women who just need a “shoulder massage.”
It comes in mandarin, blue, yellow, red, green and of course, pink. It also comes features rabbit ears for those, uh, hard to reach places.
It will also make the sight of a woman pleasuring herself too cute for any man to watch. You have been warned.
