The Onion, purveyors of news that’s better than the real news, reports that Japan is looking to reduce its output of X-rated titles and expressed regret over “the thousands of hours of bondage porn, rape porn, utensil-rape porn, food-rape porn, frozen-food-rape porn, vomit-enema porn, elder-care-coma-patient-rape porn, and the kind of a porn in which a nubile youth is kidnapped, stripped, tied down in a wading pool and raped.”

As anyone who’s ever seen Japanese porn knows, the weird stuff makes up about 98.5 percent of the country’s output. Scripted genre features shot in slow-motion with gauzy filters featuring sex between giant transformable robots (aka contract stars) make up the other 1.5 percent, and is considered too tame for the tastes of most Japanese fans.

According to the article:

The proposed new measures include a 50 percent reduction in live-eel anal insertions, and a requirement that portrayals of group sex involving seven or more individuals feature at least four human participants. Also under consideration is a zero-tolerance policy covering all “prurient uses” of colostomy bags.

The Rapeman could not be reached for comment.

Japan Pledges To Halt Production Of Weirdo Porn That Makes People Puke

Here’s something you probably didn’t know about Japan — besides cars, TVs and cartoons of tentacle sex, they’re also edging out American companies in masturbatory aids.

Onani holes, and if you’ve read this far you probably have a good idea of what this is and where it’s going, are a class of products for guys who prefer to fly solo. Tenga, a Japanese sex toy manufacturer, proved its technical prowess by developing a “hole warmer” to heat the toys, because nothing’s more undignified than putting your wang into a cold, artificial pussy.

The device won the praise of an unmarried office worker (no joke needed here), who said “I’ll lubricate mine with heated lotion and ohhhh, it’s just like a meiki. Definitely feels better than a hooker’s at some sex shop.”

Um, yeah.

Innovative ‘Hole Warmer’ keeps cold cooze cozy

With all the kids talking about Japanese senior citizen porn, the country seems to be a great place to be old and horny in general.

See, that’s what happens in a country where they respect their elders.

Additional case in point: the elderly-friendly Pink House, a hot springs massage parlor/bathhouse that advertises its non-slip shower chairs found in nursing homes. In case you were wondering if something got lost in translation, “massage parlor” means the same thing it does here — wink.

But rather than an instrument to remind Grandpa of the inevitable betrayal of the flesh and that death’s sweet release is around the corner, the chair helps him get his groove on. It’s constructed to allow easy access to his elderly man-parts and built to take the weight of an old man and a hot young girl doing the things old men and hot young girls do — when there’s money involved.

Now if you don’t mind, I’m going to spend the next hour watching SpongeBob to get that image out of my head.

Beppu bathhouse gives dirty old men the VIP treatment